Enough's Enough...

Well...that one didn't go too well..or at least according to plan. All seemed like wine and roses until the end, until it was crunch time and well..Old Man Robb just came up just a wee bit short at the end and it is now back to the ol drawingboard...was it meant to be? Was i meant to finally and really be on my own? Sure i lived away before....in the Tower for five years, but there was always that long attachment with coming home every weekend to work at the Store Formerly Known as Andrew's, a year away at Mount A and 7 months in Japan and 7 in S Korea...but this was going to be different, i was like Two Steps From The Move (Hanoi Rocks reference...i know ..confusing to those who missed out on the album in 84...but another story for another time k?) I was going to have my own place, a place that would be all mine, in Canada which is a different beast from living overseas and they don't know what a regular size broom or mop is (Im looking at you South Korea....) However as of Monday afternoon the enthusiasm peetered out as i drove down that rancid piece of highway known as the 101...the road leads to nowhere...

I was just thinking too far ahead and having delusions of grandeur...thinking maybe i was in a much better position than i really was. Delusional when i should have been seeing the evidence to the contrary. Thinking i was finally going to have a place of my own, dreaming of starting the second part of my TESOL course as early as September, i would be taking Linguistics for Teachers...i mean here i am...just SIX hours short of receiving the Acadia TESOL Certification which will enable to teach ESL in Canada..which is what i want to do... I completed EDUC 4673: Teaching English as a Second Language in early May and for the FIRST time in my frickin life i attained a 4.0..an A..yeah yeah...i know one course right....but cmon naysayers (and i have ALOT of them).. isn't that impressive for a guy who had been out of the game darn close to five years? Isn't that impressive for someone who was rejected from taking the Bachelor of Education Program back in 2008-09? Its not about scholastic smarts...no one cares...its about having $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$...and Old Man Robb finds that kind of sickening.

I recently had a very trusted old comrade tell me that i should be at a job where i can be amongst my peers, amongst other people in a line of work close to what i took while at Acadia... (And yes i did apply for such a position as of yesterday..) There is nothing more annoying that doing all that work, striving to do well in academia and feeling that i have nothing to show for it other than bills and some teaching experience in foreign countries where basically i was to act like a frickin puppet and just spew out language lessons that a five year old would roll his eyes (It was my students doing the eyerolling to be honest...) Getting my foot in the door at such positions is a tough job..sometimes you have to know someone in the know..have a last name (Irving..oops) or be Richie Rich ($$$$) they say you have to have this much experience...but what if no one will give you that experience? You have to get the experience to have this experience that they desire...where do you go? Who is going to give you that chance? They don't give you this chance because in a year's time you might be the one who takes there job/ position because you actually want to work...not be a fat cat who sits back in their chair at work with their feet up on the desk...they have it made and are not going to share the glory with anyone...especially some hungry upstart with good intentions and lots of ideas.

So the search which i thought was over in May begins again...i will have some help amongst the way, right back where i started from to be honest, sure there will be $$$ to keep the bank loans going, fueling the way back to the TESOL classroom (Or online) but i just feel a little let down...especially after some 4 weeks or so of being back in the swing of things, doing tests every Monday (More of a weeding out process more than anything else...) I spent hours and hours studying this "Material"...reading it over and over again, studying late into the night, giving up all my time that could have been spent doing other things so that i could concentrate on getting this job...and I really did try my damndest to get this position...leaving one job due to bullshit and waiting on this one...weeks going by..nothing, finally calling and talking to someone high up in authority and pleading with them...writing 2 tests just to get in...waiting till July when i could have been working and feeling like i was back in high school, complete with lockers and lunchroom...writing these tests, failing one and doing a couple of re-writes (Had to make 80%) on each test and finally running out of steam this past Monday... its like sometimes life has a cruel sense of humor that likes to play rotten jokes over and over again...it gets old sometimes...

Was it totally fair? I felt like i was trying to get into the FBI for heck's sakes! Just emotionally really draining, thinking one minute that i really really had a handle on things and then BOOM..all it took was ONE test to mess it up and sent packing by 11:00 in the morning yesterday... I know the first thing i did was go to the JobBank when i got home and started applying for jobs...but ugh...to be so close to being out and a place to call my own..its like having a carpet yanked out from underneith my feet...this job was NOT to be my dream job, let's get that straight ok? However it was to be the stepping stone, the support that would have propelled me to reach my other dream of being a licensed ESL teacher in Canada. Is it right to subject workers to such a sudden death weeding out process when there are so many out there looking for work? I look at the Job Bank and BOOM there is the listing for this job as there always is along with a couple of other places i have worked...always there to trick people into giving their time and then to be crumpled up like an old piece of paper and tossed out when your no longer useful or just don't fit into their plans...why not just take me and throw me in the local river while your at it? Let me float away...just nothing but disposable, replaceable personnel....all we are in the workforce these days...

To be honest, its time for Old Man Robb to look after Old Man Robb and not be some frickin puppet or drone, just someone to have an ass in a chair while harassing people or having people yell at you through a headset..i did not waste all that time in a classroom and homework just to be lifeless and sitting there collecting a paycheck, there is much more to me than that...maybe that is to be the life for other people just starting out or in need of a check...i need to do something that is more what i learned and that will help me pay to go on with my ESL studies at Acadia U... i want something more and so far i have yet to get that...but i will and i will do it and i don't care whose support i have or i do not have...some just like to wait till i am out of earshot and give their opinion of my life, even though this includes people who have not hung out with me on a regular basis since like oohh what was it? 1983? 84? Yeah you really know me...you really do....its more of a ya i used to know that guy...but i know you..the true you and what you put up in front of other people is a really good fucking act i must admit.....i think the donutmaker down the street or the dude who sings "Bad to the Bone" at karioke every week knows my life and what is happening in it better than you do or ever will again....

Maybe my old friend Axl can help...the song "Madagascar"sums up how i feel at the moment...

"I won't be told anymore

That I've been brought down in this storm

And left so far out from the shore

That I can't find my way back, my way anymore

No I won't be told anymore

That I've been brought back in this storm

And left so far out from the shore

That I can't find my way back, my way anymore

No, I..

Forgive that they teared down my soul

Bless them that they might grow old

A dream that's forgotten may know

That it's never too late

So many times that I've seen life before me

I searched and found the way to choose to the end

I found a way, to know, why it had to be

Mired in denial and saw all the rain

If we ever find it true

Love will have its way to choose

Three more to tame

We can be ever

I won't be told anymore

That I've been brought down in this storm

And left so far out from the shore

And I can't find my way back, my way anymore

No I won't be told anymore

That I've been brought back in this storm

And left so far out from the shore

That I can't find my way back, my way anymore"

Anyways that is enough rambling for now, Old Man Robb is pooped out and needs a drinkypoo..so Blogeroonies havea good one for now....